Changes are a comin'

Boy Howdy! are they!!

And I'm not mentally ready for them...
This causes me to withdraw emotionally.

Withdrawing hinders, not helps the matter.
This has been my M.O. for as long as I can remember.

Can you say "Imaturity"?

Zelda and I spent a whirlwind week traveling the Great State and meeting future "in-laws" and friends.

We are basing our marriage plans on jobs and leases for move dates and such.

It scares me.
Are you supposed to feal fear at such times?

How can one be married when one still can't open up completely?
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We visited my sister yesterday. Zelda was anxious.
As was I.
Things were fine.

Then off to dinner with J.
He wants me to do it up BIG.
As in the 3x mulitplier for the wedding ring.
The big cerimony, full dinner.
Honey moon to some exotic local.
He has always been good about spending my money!
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Stopped by to read S's blog, a friend of Zelda's.
She too is dealing with fear. Of her military wife-to-be in Iraq, Bush what were you thinking, and the possible delay in her return.
They also are planning a marriage.
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I don't understand why a month ago we were laughing and flirting and joking in Omaha at the Symphony and dinner. And today I'm pulling away.

I guess it's because
A) she's giving up her life,
friends,
home,
job,
etc. to come down to live with me.
And that kind of responsibility is
DOWN
RIGHT
FCKNG
SCARY!!!!
She's trusting ME to be there and to love her.

B) I'm trusting that I'm going to be "happy" with one person for the "rest of my life".

C) It's a life change. Of life style. I have never lived with anyone, outside of college 15 years ago, who was not already a relative.
And those kinds of relatives don't base their comings and goings around you.

Last night I wanted to go to sleep. She wanted to snuggle. Is there something wrong that a week into the living together, I want to sleep instead of fuck?

In five minutes she'll be touching down.
In ten minutes she'll be touching base with Magda about the trip.
In thirty minutes she'll be home touching in with me...
Tomorrow she'll be submitting her resignation notice!!!
*************
I'm not ready yet!!!
*************
Now that I've had time to sit down and take a moment by myself and to write about it,
I can more clearly see that the items in "A" are the major concern.
********************
There is more to talk about...
***************
Zelda, I know you are ready to get the Hell out of Dodge, but
will you give me the gift of some more time?