A crush; 20 years!!!

While at Target I came across "1984" by Van Halen.
On the way home it's spinnin' and the next thing ya know, I'm back in High School! I'm in lab band warming up for a basket ball game with the players working out to "Jump".

Because I still live in the town where I grew up, I found myself driving in the old part of town where my brothers and I threw papers. (1,000 daily) My favorite house is up for sale again. It's one of the reasons I got into architecture. One day as we drove by it just "spoke" to me and told me all about how the people inside used it. Sigh...there is no way I could afford it. (Taxes alone are $6k a year.)

And I flash back to my crush. Funny how those things work. Of course she was a cheer leader. (Aren't they supposed to be?) Messed me up psychologically. Was easier to focus on getting a dopemine high thinking about her than to deal with my shyness, class load, high school angst, sexuality, and my father's death. As it turned out, she lived next door to "my house".

So now I'm feeling depressed about my insecurities from 20 years ago! Where I "should" be, vs. REALity.

Julie Hill.

Last I saw her, she was married. I was hosting a foreign student and we had a party hosted by, as I later found out, her mother. I hadn't let her know of my lust and fixation till my junior year, her senior. She was currious if I knew who the new "her" was. "Mrs. somebody". There is a fine line between boyhood facination and stalking. I pride myself in knowing the difference! It was interesting to know she knew who I was!

While I was focused on her, I was unavailable for the girls who had their crushes on me! And truth be told, we had some things in common. But I never had the self confidence. I am sad for those girls for whom I had no space in my life. Not that I am anything special, but I didn't treat them well. With kindness, friendship, and connection.

Why do we do such things to our selves?

I also think if I had actually asked her out, it would have made her "real" and despelled my "perfect" woman, who ironically, wasn't and I knew it.

Now in maturity, I realize that God, or the universe, what ever you want to call it, handed me opportunities right and left to have stepped up to manhood. By this I mean, taking the step towards conquering fear and self doubt. (Not deflowering). I could have offered help in French, Chemistry, Drama, all classes I was skilled in.

I did what I did at the time because that is what I knew how to do at that time.

Causes me to wonder where I am doing the same things with out seeing it in my present day life.

Truth is, I didn't really want to know her, or I would have. I wanted to use her. To get high. For which I appologize.

It's not just the "druggies" who "tune out" in our schools.

I ask myself, "Why am I focusing on this? Why am I feeling like this?"

And I answer myself, "So I can again wallow in passivity spending my energy by focusing on someone who no longer exists! And thus avoid my life as it is, created by me".

At a concert at the local community college I met a former class mate, a cheer leader on the same squad, who was unhappy with where her life had taken her. Single with a 3 year old.

Why are we so unhappy with our lives? What opportunites are we missing?

sigh...