Conversations

One thing about journaling via a blog,
and having someone, a 'significant' other,
whom you met via the blog, who reads said blog, is...

It can no longer be a personal 'feelings' journal.

What was once 'safe' is no longer...
Cuz it affects another.
Someone you care about...

And as we all know, what we blog in the personal department, is mainly emotions.
And emotions are as constant as the wind.
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I feel incomplete, because I am a wimp.

My last girlfriend, rather than tell me to my face, sent me a "dear John" email.
Wouldn't return phone calls, etc.

I have had bosses who concocked "tests" to use as reasons to fire someone, including me, rather than be upfront and say," I like you, but I don't have the work, because I screwed up, am greedy, and didn't get the contracts signed before I went on vacation, so... you get to look for another job." The "little test" absolved them from paying unemployment.

I am not so different from them...
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The relationship between Zelda and I has changed.
From the original "friends on the other end of the keyboard" to "I know you, I am in your life, you impact me and I you".
I miss that friendship. The wedding talk, and meeting the family has taken center stage.
Part of me wants to go back to that "friends only". It was safe. Distant.
We can not go back. Only forward, to where ever that may take us.
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I was fearful of sharing some anxieties this week, for fear of loosing her. Forever.
The opposite is to keep her. Forever.
Forever is something I don't normally think about.
I am, after all, a self centered, single, independant American who is focused mainly, if not entirely, on myself...
And the Universe, is wanting to change that.
Forever is scary. And not entirely true. It really isn't Forever.
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Zelda called and we talked.
She has granted me some more time.
I am wanting to accommodate her. She has the most to change.
She would be doing this anyway. She is tired of her job.
She would be moving back to Texas eventually.
She would be taking a break from college to regroup.
I scared her.
Not my intent.
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She would have rather I talked to her about it before I published...
I had to publish to figure out what was eating me...
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The Universe is a pushy Soul.
Wants what it wants. And you have to hang on... or learn to "push back".
We are back to joking around Zelda and I.

Friends again.